Life – Grudges

Written by J. Doe

Today’s post is about life. 

I just found myself realizing something very useful. 

Do you remember a time when someone did something to you, and you held that grudge against them for a long time afterward? Or that you had a hard time forgiving the person for what they did?

Right now, I’m left wondering if forgiveness and grudge are even related. Hear me out.

You probably came across the saying that the source and the action are two separate things when it comes to forgiving something. Sometimes, the action in itself should (according to morals) be the thing you judge, and the source is an independent and somewhat irrelevant character in that decision. In many incidents, the person influences the actions, and therefore the person is to blame for the action, instead of the action itself. That brings me to how one would react to such a thing. 

If the action is independent of the source, the source somehow becomes a scapegoat. But they are not that innocent. The source should be held accountable for their actions, but at the same time, one’s reactionary behavior should be according to the intent of a person. For example, if A did something to B, the anger that B would feel from the action would usually be put onto A, and not the action that A did. I suggest that B should (if necessary) be angry at the act, but react according to the intent of A. If you ask me, I would say that one’s behavior should never be defined by what others deserve or don’t deserve. Your behavior should be representative of who you truly are as an individual. Do you remember the saying “be the better man”? I truly believe in that. I believe that if you choose to be authentic to yourself and what you stand for, that approach might bring you something worth more than just not regretting your reaction. It also brings you further in life in the sense that you did the best you could do in a given situation. You stood your ground but with character and dignity, and therefore you don’t have to wonder if you reacted poorly or not. The mature reaction really emphasizes one’s strength. The reason why I say this is because holding a grudge against a person usually entails an imbalance in power. Not only that, but also that the given action hurt one’s pride. For a long time, I perceived pride as being linked to ego, but I don’t anymore. I feel that pride resembles knowing your worth and knowing enough of morality to not question how we should treat each other. With respect and acceptance.

Therefore, I’m thinking, why would you hold a grudge against another person, if you reacted in the most admirable and preferable way possible? You proved that the action was beneath you, and yes, it might hurt, but it’s not worth your resentment. You hold a grudge towards a person because your pride was challenged, but if you reacted to the attack with dignity and maturity, didn’t you then do it for the sake of your pride? You came to your own rescue, so why be resentful towards the perpetrator, if you could settle with thinking less of them? The grudge is not worth your anger, which is a more powerful emotion than sadness. Sadness is deep and serious, but anger drives you to unwillingly create actions with a miscalculated intent, because anger is revengeful, whilst sadness is a reaction.

Some people say that sadness is an underlying emotion to grudge, but I disagree. I believe that sadness is almost inevitable. To be put in an unfortunate situation is often very transgressive and uncomfortable, and that leads to being anxious or nervous about the confrontation. Those feelings really know how to burn into the centerpiece of your mind and keep on disturbing your focus. It most likely made you doubt yourself or lose touch with yourself for a moment. And that feeling is reflected in the opposite end also; some people doubt themselves, while other people fight back in response. But this is not the only reason why the confrontation haunts you. The dilemma as to if it was fair or not also plays a big role in your reaction, but if it wasn’t fair, then it’s your pride that was hurt. If it was fair, but you don’t realize it, wouldn’t that be called a hurt ego?